Mmmm, Slovenia vs. Algeria: not the most enticing fixture, especially around midday on a Sunday, but you’ve got to size up your next opponents, haven’t ya? This is Algeria’s first World Cup since the ‘80s, back when Notts County’s Rachid Harkouk (pictured right) was their star player.

Slovenia’s not really famous for anything apart from getting regularly confused with Slovakia. Although sinister ‘80s industrialists Laibach were Slovenian (or Yugoslavian up until 1991 of course). They once covered the whole of The Beatles’ ‘Let It Be’ album, from which this fine celestial version of ‘Across The Universe’ is taken:

Slovenia’s not as austere and Slavic as you might assume, bordering both Italy and Austria, and I’m led to believe, Ljubljana (or ‘LJ’ as the cool kids call it) is quite a stylish modern-day capital. Laibach is also the German name for Ljubljana, fact fans! Slovenia’s also noteworthy, in my house anyway, because my mam’s been there half a dozen times on walking holidays in the Julian Alps (whoever he is). It only has 2 million people and just 30,000 registered footballers so beating Africa’s 2nd largest country was an impressive feat. I had time to research all this extraneous info because the game was so stultifyingly dull, by the way.

Slovenia’s away kit in bottle green with hi-vis trim is the worst I’ve seen so far, if only for the wholly unnecessary zig-zag pattern across the chest, reminiscent of the terrible garish excuses for kits that were prevalent in the early-‘90s, football kit design’s nadir, for mine. Promoting the kit’s launch, Nike proudly proclaimed it was; “A design inspired by the hard edges and peaks of the Triglav mountain, a sacred and mythical mountain, where it is said a Slavic god once had his throne, the Triglav boasts the highest peak in Slovenia and forms a central part of the young nation’s identity, featuring on their national flag, coat of arms and currency.”

Rather than the Triglav, it more closely resembles this awful Celtic shirt from about 1992…

Speaking of which, there were 2 guys in the Slovenian end wearing Celtic shirts and waving an Irish tricolour bearing the legend; ‘Fintan Murray Ate My Cheeseburger’.

I googled Fintan Murray and a Facebook profile came up, so I sent him a message to find out if this cheeseburger-gobbling claim was true. It must be him, how many Fintans are there out there? Let’s see if he replies.

After Ghezzal’s stupid sending-off for diving and handballing unnecessarily, Algeria looked even worse and then West Brom’s Koren was allowed lawns of space, not closed down on the edge of the box and rolled it into the corner past the clumsy Eminem-worshipping chav Algeria had shoved in nets who clearly must’ve got the ‘Shot-Stopping With Robert Green’ DVD for Christmas.

I watched the Serbia v Ghana game but did often wonder why I was bothering. Another dull game enlivened by somebody being punished for being stupid, a handball again being the game-changing moment but this time for a needlessly-conceded penalty that Gyan joyfully slotted away. I was chuffed for Ghana. Without sounding patronising, it clearly meant a lot more to them and their country’s general goodwill than it does for England or any other of the rich European favourites.

You couldn’t help but be charmed and swept away by the level to which they celebrated such a dour spectacle and they certainly seem an infectiously jolly bunch of good vibe merchants. I wish they’d have qualified in the ‘90s when we might’ve seen the great Tony Yeboah on the biggest stage. Any excuse to re-live these babies… You can see me behind the goal on the replay of the Liverpool one…

Gotta say, for such a supposedly butch nation, their national anthem, ‘Advance Australia Fair’ is an awful simpering wartime power ballad-show tune more representative of Sydney’s abundant gay population than the heroic sporting warrior-types they like to think they embody. Their performance in this game was particularly limp but the Germans made them look like school kids. It was a real lesson in how to dominate inferior opposition.

A smashing opening goal from the Germans too, clever build-up and a proper no-nonsense finish and after that, faultless, apart from a couple of sitters missed by Klose (yes, he should’ve got a lot ‘Klose’ to the goal… I thought it before Adrian Chiles said it at half-time) which would’ve seen ‘em notch up a cricket score, deservedly so. Why do England never put in a performance like this at the World Cup? Frighteningly effective, even without Michael Ballack, ominously determined-looking, all 4 strikers scored and they were all smart finishes from simple, direct build-ups. 

Einfache, direkte und effective… Ich wisch eider putter betton Deutschland nau.

Lovely away kit the Aussies are rocking this season, looking more like Leeds Rhinos training gear, of which I am also quite fond but, smart though their jerseys are, the overall performance of the sun-worshipping show-offs wearing them was the very dampest of squibs.
Can I lay claim to being the first to call them Awfulstralia…?